Where am i?
This thought came to me in the middle of the night. I was being rolled from side to side in my bunk while we make the win-die drive from Stockholm to Oslo. Its now day 3 of the tour.
To recap a little, during the first day or so of this journey I began to remember who it is that I am….since I know I have lost something of myself while stationed in Toronto. I remembered that I love being a gypsy. That hopping on a flight without a return ticket, without a solid itinerary, without many possessions, with an open mind, heart and artistic eye, is how I live best. To some it is absolutely terrifying, however to me 9-5 work is terrifying. Being chained to a grid-lock city is terrifying. I need to feel that somehow im delicately breaking western society’s culturally acceptable lifestyle rules, in order to feel free.
So upon feeling like a gypsy again, I felt myself let go of the life Ive been building in Canada…not entirely just yet, though I feel it near. I had a glimpse of what it would feel like to know Toronto-life as a distant past of mine. Like an old dusty dream with foggy images of my efforts made there. As well, Ive felt a glimpse of finally feeling light and happy about what im doing again. What AM I doing? Just being…and mostly not thinking. Not thinking about anything except my videos and enjoying these moments in new places with the lovely musicians. it feels good.
It is possible that this whole Toronto experience served the sole purpose of simply re-affirming what I was already certain of. That I am an orchid child who needs the tranquility of nature and the reality of being raw and free. I know that I intentionally put myself in a western city as a sort of challenge, though I never knew it would be the most difficult year of my life.
So in the middle of the night, I opened my window and saw the hue of the very early morning creating tall graceful silhouettes of spruce trees. I felt a calm excitement and nourishment that we were in the woods. Then the thought came to me “where am I?” meaning; “where is ME”?…where did I go? I could see (or I should say feel) more clearly how lost I am in the layers of accumulated exhaustion and disappointment from trying and trying so hard to make a life in Toronto. Now, these layers have begun to shed. Then, this question morphs into “Where was I”? As I slowly draw closer to feeling myself again, I see that the work is in this last self inquiry.